The drift, I'll try not to disappear

Lately, i feel like i've been building walls again. Becoming less as what i'm used to be. Yes, i know, i'm closing myself down to people, thinking every new person is a possible threat to myself. It's like trust is floating away. Honestly, I've grown weary and tired trying to figure out who i really am. When facing this simple issue is a piece of cake to someone else. Then having terrible times too decide things. If i should do this Or shouldn't be doing it all. If saying this is stupid or really relevant. Even the simpliest of all questions like "describe yourself" stuns me, trying to grasp the question itself, tires me down into a tremendous mental level.

However, from making decisions and the neverending identity crisis. I never really applied the idea of self-expression. Fearing rejection or being ridiculed or talking nonsense. In fact, i conditioned myself that i am not allowed to express these emotions. But on the level i am now, i am struggling. Managing my emotions is like a series of impeccable highs and lows, swirls and curves. And on how closer a person gets and how distant i act. It's just too complicated.

I believe this is manageable. I can function well without getting all sensitive in stuffs but it pops-out when... i don't know, unexpectedly it just does. Knowing i'm the captain of this ship and the huge waves bringing me down is my own personality. All i wanted to ask is, on all fronts, people will understand me against what i'm dealing with, myself. I'm fed up by my own actions and being reckless might cost me something, something irreplaceable in the process. Soon my apologies are nothing but mere pointless empty swears. You'll grow numb and feel nothing. I can't allow that.