i can't make up mind for a stupid title for this entry

I don't undestand myself nowadays. First jealousy pummels my steady coolness of I don't care, it won't hurt me kind of attitude. Now, for some reason, I'm basically pretending to be optimistic . As if I really mean it. Or do I?

You know that strange feeling of what just happened that day, overclouds your mind and make you feel all weird. Like, a lump in your throat making you hard to speak. And that emotional heartache continues to occur every now and then. I know it's not a good thing. It's psychological in some manner since the heart does not have a pain reception or something. It's pure veins and muscles, it just contracts, it doesn't produce pain at all. Somehow the heavy feeling and searing pain reminds me of the things that upsets me. I don't know what I'm good at. I got rejected from a job interview, TWICE! no, wait.. more like 5 times, 6 if i have to include my mock interview last semester. A MOCK INTERVIEW! Like, what the fuck right?

Oddly, It's addicting. This state of depression makes everything bland, the sneaky bipolar disorder is messing up my head. i don't know where to go from here. I'm going to be stuck here and achieve less. I know i am my own worst enemy. And to get rid of that. Perhaps i have to get rid of myself as well... that's sort of the only way to have a peace of mind. But i hate the idea. It's morbid and sick. See? I can't even organize my thoughts in this stupid post. Fuck!

Let's just hope I'll keep my sanity.