I realized that...

I'm not supposed to be writing tonight since hell week is about to start in a matter of minutes. But i found myself making another sketch and this entry.

I have been trying to participate. Like, I've spent the last four weeks trying to observe or think about what i should be doing. I cannot imagine and over think. That's what I've been trying to avoid. The last time i happen to overthink. I got stressed in a tremendous level and well, boom.

In terms of my participation, there were a lot of things i've been missing lately. Things that i thought wouldn't be bothering me. Well now it did. Frankly, it's weird. I thought I was going to be okay about this but somehow, i feel a certain longingness for company. Okay okay, this is so not me, right? Well, yes, friends are there. I can lean on them. But what if i want someone to be there always, by my side and to be able to feel that warmth of belongingness. Dear God, Is this it? Am I being normal now? I mean, what is the conceivable point of living if i don't care and i'm not curious and a total wuss to gamble in every chances?

But wait, I seriously don't want to make things complicated when things are already are. I even feel terrible about why I'm denying all these or even the mere idea. I'm not ready. I can't. I think I'm better off just this way. Yet, I don't know where to start or who should i be talking about all this. As much as it gave me the chills of why I even bother to write it here. I should've been honest to myself. :(

crap! nuff nonsense... must study~