Clearing It Up

There are few things that I'm not quite sure about what I'm in now. In fact, I'm torn between the things that I thought would really help me or perhaps a way out of helping them out. Priority, that was my first problem. School or Work. The first few months I started working it was great and I didn't have to worry about anything. Job- that was my priority. Then I decided to enrol and continue studying with a few subjects. It was okay. But after 5 months tops. That was the time I realized I had let go of the opportunity of working with my friends with our Database proposal. And at first, I was like contented that I may have to take the subject maybe this summer or next school year and it would be okay as long as I'll work with other groups instead.

When finally, a day before our defense, it hit me hard and I was really damn upset because I didn't have to go all these crap if only that inconsiderate teacher took the schedule. If I had managed my schedule efficiently. If only I fuckin' changed my shift. If I had... meh... none of it really matters. You could say that I'm beating myself up again like it's really my fault. Yep. It's my fault not them.

A week or two, I'm going to decide either to keep the job or go to summer class. As much as possible, I really want them to see me on that stage with a diploma and wearing that toga that I had missed for this month. At some point, I know I'll be out of motivation to continue studying and I don't want that to happen. When we get to a part where we like giving up and be all contented with a shitty job and a series of what ifs. I want to give up the first idea I have, just to make a huge break-through that I have been putting too much effort for the past years and seeing myself on that stage with my parents, that's my life's aim.

The thing is I also don't want to sell myself short. I know someone have gone through a lot worse than I'm in now but they were able to pursuit the things that they wanted. At the lowest of the lows in a society they were able to keep up without needing to give up. I guess nothing is impossible, that achievement is at the other side of the wall. I may say that at this point this is my wall and I'm still trying to knock it down, or find a way to get over it. I haven't reached to a decision yet and may well be confused. But there are always brighter sides that make things clear when these sad days creep in, someday. :)